Friday, February 27, 2009
Jackson's Nose, An Ill-Fated Valentine's Day & BAM!
First of all, I know he's not country, but he is an American icon.......Michael Jackson, on this date in 1980, received his very first Grammy Award. That was back in the day when he still had his original nose.
Actually, he still has his original nose, but not on his face. It's in a drawer somewhere.Happy Birthday today to Chelsea Clinton. She's 29. Ralph Nader is 75 today. In 1969, Nader asked the U.S. government to restrict rock concert volume and to declare loud music a public nuisance. I've always maintained that Nader should be declared a public nuisance, although he did help keep John Kerry, the man who looks like the talking tree from The Wizard of Oz from becoming President. Also, happy Birthday today to Elizabeth Taylor. She's 77. Ironically, that's also the number of times she's been married. Then again, I guess I have no room to talk. I've been married so many times, my last marriage license was written on an Etch-A-Sketch.
The Cleveland Plain Dealer reports that 70-year old Ellen Basinski was home alone when 4 teenage robbers forced themselves into her home and demanded money. She grabbed her favorite saucepan - an Emeril Lagasse 5-quart pan, and started whacking the boys in the head with the pan. One of the boys grabbed a Jack Daniels bottle from the kitchen and threw it at her. He missed and she continued to whack these guys with her saucepan. A neighbor heard the commotion and called the police. They showed up and nabbed these 4 dopes. Basinski's husband of 47 years is a judge and he said she did everything he's told her NOT to do is this type of situation. He added, "She's not afraid of anything". My guess is he can thank Jack Daniels for that.
Finally, the Daily Telegraph reports that 20-year old British soldier James Miller wanted to impress his girlfriend, Jade Thompson with a grand romantic gesture, like in the movies. On Valentine's Day, he stripped down to a pair of white boxers and ran across the field at a pro soccer match, shooting red roses from a Cupid's bow and arrow. Here are the results of this madness:
- He was fined $300.00 (US).
- He's been banned from ALL games for 3 years.
- Since he's a soldier, he might faced court martial.
- Jade, his girlfriend, DUMPED HIM!!
She said there are many "complicated" reasons why she dumped him, but "if he honestly thought I would be impressed with what he did, then he must be more stupid that he looks.
Believe me, when you're running across a soccer field in boxer shorts shooting roses from a bow and arrow, it's IMPOSSIBLE to be more stupid than you look. Have a great weekend!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Johnny Cash, Levi Strauss & Joey, Don't Lose That Number
Strauss was born in Bavaria, Germany, where today, the house he was born in is a historic site known as the Levi Strauss Museum. There's another such museum in San Francisco. Strauss died in 1902 at the age of 73. His death came too soon. He never got to see what Shania Twain did with his invention. It's probably just as well. His heart might not have been able to take it. It would've killed him. Comedian Joe Biden continues to supply us with plenty of comedy material. I didn't get to see this because I was on the air, but I did see the clip today. Biden was on one of those early morning TV shows Wednesday morning. The purpose of his appearance was to promote Recovery.com, a website that supposedly will monitor the stimulus bill, but Joe forgot the website address. On live TV, he yelled to an aide, who was off camera, "Do you know the website number?" DO YOU KNOW THE WEBSITE NUMBER??? Hey, look, I'm not the most computer savvy guy in the world, but come on!!
Let's hope the stimulus bill will pay to put broadband into Joe Biden's house.Tomorrow morning, Debra Joseph, Director of the Fredericksburg SPCA joins me, along with Paul Hayden with traffic, Shelia Quinn with news and Kristen Nash with A Walk Down Music Row. I'll also tell you about James Miller, who went all out to impress his girlfriend for Valentine's Day, only to have his plan backfire horribly.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The National Anthem, The Crazy Ape & The "Big" Drug Dealer
More family 4-packs of tickets to the Smucker's Stars On Ice at the Verizon Center to give away tomorrow. All you have to do is know the answer to tomorrow's movie quiz. Here's a hint: tomorrow's movie was a family favorite in 1985.
I haven't talked about this awful story in Connecticut where a so-called domesticated chimpanzee went nuts and brutally attacked a woman. I'm sure, by now, you've heard all the grisly details. I haven't talked about it because it's such a terrible story. It's terrible for everybody involved. Certainly, it's awful for the woman who was attacked. In fact, as of today, she's actually taken a turn for the worst. Doctors are now not as confident that she's going to make it.
It's terrible for the owner of the chimp who raised it since it was just a few weeks old and wound up having to stab it during the attack in an attempt to get the chimp to stop, and lastly, it's terrible that the chimp was eventually shot and killed by the police. People are fascinated by this story and it's not going away. The brother of the woman who was attacked has come forward and is talking lawsuit. Apparently the chimp's owner has a lot of property worth millions. In addition, more information is coming out about the relationship this woman had with the chimp. She has admitted sleeping with him and that they took baths together. Look, nobody on the planet loves animals more than I do, but it's starting to sound like the relationship this woman had with this chimp might have been a little over the top. By the way,yesterday, the House passed a ban on taking chimps and monkeys across state lines to sell as pets...If you're taking a chimp across a state line for some other reason, I don't want to know about it.
His name is Stephen Turo. He's from Genoa, New York. He's 56 years old and weighs 600 pounds. Oh, yeah, one other thing, he's a drug dealer. Because of his size, he hasn't been out of the house in years (apparently his drug business didn't offer delivery service). He was arraigned on Monday of this week, pleaded guilty and plans to throw himself on the mercy of the court (hopefully not literally). This guy is SO big, they had to transport him to his arraignment by a U-Haul trailer. The trailer was backed up to a loading dock of the local post office and the judge came down to the dock because this guy wouldn't fit through the doors of the courthouse. He was charged with 24 counts of selling and possessing prescription drugs.........apparently not diet pills. Look at the size of this guy. If they ever do a cavity search on him, they could wind up finding Jimmy Hoffa. Here's my question: If the guy is a drug dealer, he's probably also a drug user. How did a drug user who weighs 600 pounds make it to the age of 56???
Also tomorrow, I have news about Nicole Richie conducting a citizen's arrest outside an IHOP, and about the U.S. army deserter arrested while wearing ladies underwear. Yeah, it's going to be an interesting morning.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Dominic Chianese, Kenny Chesney & Reann Ballslee
Here he is with James Gandolfini
Finally, in the "Our Society Has Truly Gone Nuts" department, we talked about this on the air this morning. George Mason University has voted in a new homecoming queen. One problem: It's a GUY!
Senior Ryan Allen won the title of homecoming queen this weekend at a sold-out homecoming basketball game against Northeastern University.
Allen is gay and performs in the region as drag queen Reann Ballslee. I don't know. Maybe I'm just completely out of touch when it comes to how depraved we've really all become, but I think this is just stupid. Mind you, I don't have a problem with them fact that he's gay. I've spent a lifetime in the entertainment business. I've work with gay people most of my life. Believe me, I couldn't care less if a person is gay or not. My problem here is not with Allen or Ballslee or whatever. My problem is with the university for allowing this madness to take place. COME ON, EVERYBODY, WE ALL KNOW A MAN RUNNING FOR HOMECOMING QUEEN IS ABSURD!!!! We all also know that it's even more absurd for HIM to win. Here's a case of the university bending over backwards to be "politically correct" to the point where they look ridiculous to the the majority of the country. But, unfortunately, we're living in a time when many people would rather look ridiculous than look politically INcorrect. Apparently the inmates have taken over the asylum.Monday, February 23, 2009
State Of The Union, Death Of A TV & A-Rod
Station KARE-TV is Minneapolis-St. Paul reports that a 70-year-old man was arrested and charged with unlawful discharge of a firearm after shooting his TV set. Responding to a report of shots being fired, the station reported, the police found the man angry that he had both lost his cable and had been unable to get his new DTV converter box to work, so he shot the TV. My guess is that he got upset because there was an Elvis special on that he REALLY wanted to see.
Friday, February 20, 2009
The Smoking Bandit, John Glenn & The OH-bama Plan
She's 68.
On this date, February 20,back in 1962, John Glenn became the first man to orbit the Earth. I hate to admit it, but I remember that. I was in first grade and they made all of us watch it on TV in the auditorium. Five hundred kids watching something we didn't understand on a black & white TV that was about the size of a wristwatch. By the way, John Glenn orbited the earth again in 1998 at the age of 77.................only that time, he had his left turn signal blinking the whole time.
There's never a shortage of dumb criminal stories and this one's my favorite of the week. Thanks to Shelia Quinn for pointing it out to us. In Pensacola, Florida, deputies responded to an alarm at a convenience store at 4 in the morning. They got there just in enough time to see a 37 year-old man exiting through a smashed-out front door carrying several packs of cigarette (all this for cigarettes). The man tried to run from the police, but his handfuls of cigarettes prevented him from holding up his droopy pants, which fell down and caused him to trip before he could even make it out of the parking lot. He was arrested and charged with criminal mischief, burglary, theft and possession of drug paraphernalia (Gee, there's a surprise.) My guess here is that his pants kept falling down because he lost a lot of weight, thanks to his chain smoking. He probably wouldn't have made it out of the parking lot anyway. He probably gets winded after running only 30 feet or so. On the plus side for this guy.....he has a lot of cigarettes and his pants fall off easily. HE'S GOING TO BE A POPULAR GUY IN JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll see you at the Not-So-Newlywed game this Sunday at the Spotsylvania Towne Center.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Trump In Trouble,Vanna White & The Stella Awards
I worked with comedian Robert Klein in Poughkeepsie, New York about 4 years ago, at a club called Banana's Comedy Club. Klein did the early show. I did the late show. I was thrilled to work with him because he's always been one of my favorites. He does a very funny bit on stage about President's Day. In particular, it's about Washington's birthday. He points out George Washington's accomplishments: first President of the United States, a great statesman, Father of Our Country, commander in chief of the Continental army in the American Revolution, a man of outstanding morals and manners, and the list goes on and on. He would be touched and thrilled to know that today, in the year 2009, on his birthday, we celebrate it with a mattress sale.
Don't forget, we are now only days away from our Not-So-Newlywed Game live, onstage at the Spotsylvania Towne Center. The game will not be broadcast on the radio. the only way to see it is by coming out to the Towne Center at 2 o'clock this Sunday. It's free! It'll be fun! We'll have some laughs, and I promise, never once, in the course of hosting the game, will I use the word "Whoopie".
Donald Trump's casino group has filed for Chapter 11. Trump says that his casinos are $1.74 BILLION in debt. That's an enormous figure. The average person can't even begin to comprehend a number like that. Let me put it in perspective. $1.74 BILLION...that's nearly two times the amount of money Trump spent on hair spray last year.
Happy Birthday today to Juice Newton. She's 57. By the way, did you ever notice when you call a business and they put you on hold, you almost always wind up listening to Juice Newton's Queen Of Hearts? Happy Birthday to the lovely Vanna White. She turns 52 (Vanna's always turning something). Yoko Ono is 76 today. QUICK, SOMEBODY SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER BEFORE SHE DECIDES TO DO IT HERSELF!!!!!!!!!!!
Waylon Jennings died seven years ago this week. He was 64, but managed to pack about 200 years worth of good times into those 64 years.
Finally, we had a lot of fun with these this morning. The Stella Awards. these are given to recipients of the most outrageous lawsuits. The Stella Awards are named after Stella Liebeck, the woman who sued McDonalds because she ordered a cup of hot coffee, then spilled it and burned herself. Here are this year's top winners:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the home owner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ...oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. she sounds like the kind of chick who who really wouldn't notice that she's missing a few more teeth. You know what I mean?
BUT THIS WAS EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE THIS MORNING.............Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
I think Mrs. Grazinski's brain is on cruise control. WHAT A DOPE!!!!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow, I'll tell you about the purse-snatcher who mooned his pursuers and the about the woman to stopped a guy from stealing a car by giving him wedgie. It's true
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Figge Is A Fake & The Calzone Thing
This morning (or was it yesterday morning?), I told you about Jennifer Figge of Aspen, Colorado. She's 56 years old and the first woman to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. It was reported by the Associated Press and made worldwide news. According to the story, Figge swam from the Cape Verde Islands off the coast of Africa to Trinidad (2,100 miles) in 25 days while escorted by a boat. She was said to have rested every night and hopped back in the water in the morning. Problem Number One: The Cape Verde Islands are about 500 miles off the western coast of the mainland of Africa, meaning Figge had a huge head start on her trip across the Atlantic. It'd be like somebody saying they ran across America after starting in Cincinnati. Problem Number Two: (and this illustrates how easily we all just accept these stories we read) It's been determined that swimming 2,100 miles in 25 days would be IMPOSSIBLE. Michael Phelps swimming his fastest would take about 20 days to cover that distance, BUT thats at his fastest pace, sustained for three weeks, without ever stopping. Impossible. Today, the Associated press had this to say:
"Figge swam only a fraction of the 2,100-mile journey. The rest of the time, she rested on her crew's catamaran. Her spokesman [said] that her total swimming distance has not been calculated yet, but that due to ocean hazards including inclement weather, he estimates she swam about 250 miles."
So, she didn't exactly swim across the Atlantic. She really kind of sailed across it.
What's her next stunt going to be? Swimming across the Pacific..........in a 747?
Now, the calzone thing...........we talked about it this morning and it just keeps getting better. Basically, this guy goes into a place called Goomba's Pizzaria in Palm Coast, Florida and orders a calzone. He decides he doesn't like it so he goes up to the counter to complain to the owner. I would say that was his first mistake. When you're in a place called Goomba's Pizzeria, it's probably not a good idea to complain about the Italian food. In fact, it's probably not a good idea to complain about ANYTHING. The owner, Joseph Milano, hops over the counter and starts pistol whipping the customer. Here's the best part: It turns out that Joseph Milano isn't Joseph Milano at all. He was arrested for possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, and that prompted the local newspaper to check into Milano's background. They discovered that Milano's real name is Joseph Calco, an ex-mob guy who worked for the Gambino crime family in the Northeast. He turned informant on the family and had been living in Florida under the witness protection program. He was supposed to to keeping a low profile, but so much for that.
There's more good news. The whole thing was caught on surveillance video and of course, it's on YouTube. Just put a search in for CALZONE ATTACK AT GOOMBA'S. I've come up with a great new slogan for Goomba's.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A Live President's Day Broadcast, Here Come The Not-So-Newlyweds & Ginger
It's really a shame that a local Olympic hero like Michael Phelps has gotten himself caught up in this drug controversy, but we are all accountable for our actions (or should be). You have to be really careful out there, especially if you're in the public eye. These days, do something stupid today and it'll be on the Internet tomorrow. Eight people have been arrested in this "bong" incident, and Sheriff Leon Lott of Richland County, South Carolina says there could be more arrests made. In fact, the sheriff says he'll press charges against Phelps IF he can prove the swimmer smoked marijuana in his jurisdiction. Let's think about this for a moment. There's a picture.........there's a bong.........in the picture, Phelps is smoking from the bong....and we know that the picture was taken in a house near the University of South Carolina, which is Sheriff Lott's jurisdiction. HHHmmmm.......what else does this guy need? It kind of sounds like a slam-dunk to me there, Inspector Clouseau. By the way, how appropriate and ironic is it that Phelps was smoking from a WATER pipe? I have a lousy weekend coming up. I'll be "on the road" this weekend. In fact, I'll be flying U.S. Airways this weekend. Since that little mishap a few weeks ago when a goose rammed one of their planes and Captain Sullenberger had to make an emergency "landing" in the Hudson River, people are afraid to fly because apparently they think this is a common event. A couple of things about this. Number one: It's U.S. Airways who refer to this incident as an emergency "landing". Landing? They call "LANDing" because it's supposed to take place on LAND. Anything other then that, is pretty much a crash in my eyes. U.S. Air makes it sound like they took off from the airport with the INTENTION of landing in the Hudson River. Talk about an industry that's completely full of baloney, it's the airlines. "In case of a water landing (what the heck is a water landing?) your seat can be used as a flotation device". They make it sound like it's a minor setback. Let's face it, if you crash into the water from an altitude of fourty-thousand feet at 600 miles per hour, I think it's safe to say that the flight is pretty over. What are you going to do? Float the rest of the way to your destination? Number two: U.S. Airways issued a statement saying that the odds of a plane you're flying in colliding with a goose are 10,000 to 1. Ironically, those are the same odds of arriving on time and your luggage showing up where it's supposed to.
Here she is today.
Hey, she's 75. Cut her a break,will ya?!Monday, February 9, 2009
Sully, Otis & Myspace.com
He said at the moment he realized his plane was going down in the Hudson River, he got a "sickening feeling". I don't blame him. I'd get a sickening feeling too at the the thought of having to come in contact with the water in the Hudson River. That river is so dirty, I'm surprised those people weren't able to walk out of the plane and just walk to the shore. Myspace.com made a lot of news headlines over the last couple of days, announcing that they have removed NINETY-THOUSAND sex offenders from it's site. So, I guess that means that it's pretty much an all-female site now.
It came out that New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroid use. The good news for A-Rod is that after dating Madonna, he had to undergo some other tests. Fortunately for him, those tests came out negative.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Great New Mexican Restaurant, Aretha's Hat & A Hollywood Catfight
That's probably true, but then again, her fans probably don't know who Bonnie and Clyde were either...or Dick Cheney....or Nancy Pelosi......or Bill Gates.......or.......Finally, I got a kick out of this. Today, U.S. Airways - remember, thats the airline whose jet crash landed in the Hudson River a few weeks ago - announced they will begin charging passengers $7 for a pillow and a blanket. If they really want to make money, they should charge $100 for an inner tube.
Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Boss Chair, The World's WORST Hotel & The Ironic Case Of Mario Mendez
I promised you a picture of the BOSS chair and there it is. A hundred and two jails throughout the United Kingdom have installed these chairs at the cost of $10,000.00 each. BOSS stands for "Body Orifice Security Scanner". Prisoners sit in it and their butts are given a non-intrusive scan for contraband, such as drugs, weapons and cell phones. CELL PHONES!!?? This is why, again, I say never buy a used cell phone. You just don't know where's it been. Ten thousands dollars is a lot of money, but for the corrections officers who used to have to do this job by hand, it's worth every penny.
He's 47.Speaking of being 47, there was a "psychic" by the name of Jeanne Dixon. She was very popular back in the 60's and 70's. Like most so-called psychics, her predictions were always very cryptic, very vague, very non-committal. This way, whenever something major would happen in the world, she would then spin her ramblings to make it appear that she had actually predicted it. Fantasy peddlers do the same thing with the writings of Nostradamus. Dixon fooled a lot of people. Of course, if you're the type of person who is bent in believing this sort of thing, it doesn't take much. To this day, many people believe she predicted the Kennedy (JFK) assassination. She didn't. What does this have to do with being 47? Dixon once said that the Antichrist was born on February 5, 1962. That means that person would be 47 tomorrow. So, if you know or work with someone whose celebrating a birthday tomorrow and is 47, I'd keep a close eye on that person.
Planning a trip to New York City? I can tell you where NOT to stay.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Daschle Is OUT, OH-bama Mania Merchandising Gone Wild & Starbucks In Trouble
David Letterman, Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC's To Catch A Predator and The Amazing Kreskin.Come Saturday morning, how would you like to enjoy a delicious pancake and sausage breakfast for only $5.00 AND help out a high school field hockey team at the same time. That's exactly what you can do when you have breakfast this Saturday morning between 8:00 to 10:00 at Applebee's in Central Park. All proceeds will go to the King George Field Hockey Team.
On this date back in 1959, it was "the day the music died" with Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and The Big Bopper, all killed in that infamous plane crash. Who else wanted to get on that flight, but got blocked off (the plane could only hold three passengers and the pilot)? Waylon Jennings, who, before the plane took off, said, "I hope the plane crashes." He was kidding, of course, but friends and associates say that little "joke" haunted him the rest of his life.
OH-bama Mania continues to run wild. It's even beginning to annoy the OH-Bama's themselves. White House attorneys are concerned about the tidal wave of unauthorized OH-bama merchandise. There are federal laws governing the use of the President's image and official symbols, and the lawyers say they will start cracking down on marketers who "cross the line". The bottom line is when you buy that Barack OH-bama "Hope & Change" Chia Pet,
...make sure you get the authorized version.
Finally, Starbucks is feeling the economic crunch. They've announced that they will close 300 stores and cut 6,700 jobs. The reason I point this out to you is, if by chance, you find yourself in the unemployment line next week, and there standing in line with you, either in front of you or behind you, is a person who is snobby, arrogant, seems to display an attitude that they're much smarter than you and have multiple piercings and/or tattoos...............basically, someone who looks like this..........
...you'll know what that's all about.Monday, February 2, 2009
Eva Peron Gets Sworn In, A Dumb Criminal In France & Happy Birthday Norm The Fiddle Lover
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