Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Bad Movies, Questionable Polls & Dumb Criminals
"How do you do it? How do you get all your friends to get baptized just so you can make a monster movie?"
That was our featured quote in our movie quote quiz this morning. It comes from the movie Ed Wood, a true story based on the life of a man who was without question, the WORST movie director who ever lived. Ed Wood's movies are so awful, they're hysterical. In fact, they have developed a huge cult-like following. Without a doubt, his all-time worst was Plan 9 From Outer Space. I've seen high school plays that are better than this. I highly recommend you either rent it or just buy it (you can probably buy it on DVD for about 39 cents). Then sit back with a beer or a glass of wine or a Zima or whatever you drink and watch this movie. It is hilariously awful.
Two quizzes tomorrow morning.....a movie quote quiz and a trivia question. The trivia question concerns animals.
Speaking of animals, tomorrow is the big day for Watson the Wonder Dog. He goes in to see the great Dr. Dove in Gainesville at high noon. Hopefully, he'll be well enough to attend our Pet-O-Ween at Safford Dodge this Friday night from 6 to 8 P.M. We were going to have him wear his Barack Obama costume. The problem with that is it takes about 24 hours to inflate the ears.
If you were listening this morning, you heard many of our listeners are not buying the barrage of presidential election polls the media insists upon throwing out. Personally, I can't remember so many polls in any other campaign. What bothers me about them is that they're all over the place. One poll has Obama ahead by 14 points. Another one has him ahead by only 1 or 2 points. Some polls have McCain ahead by a couple of points. I think what it comes down to is you can get whatever results you're looking for depending on how the poll questions are worded and WHO you're polling. The bottom line is the only poll that really matters is the big one on Tuesday.
Also this morning, I told about the woman caught trying to smuggle chorizo sausage in diapers from Mexico into Texas. She had the diapers folded to look used with something chunky inside. A suspicious customs officer checked them out and found the diapers filled with chorizo sausage. The woman was fined $300 and they seized her chorizo (and I think we all know how painful that can be). I give credit to the officer who actually got so suspicious that he opened the diapers and sniffed them. That's one dedicated cop!
If I was this woman, I would've gotten out of this by telling the officer that I was not smuggling sausage in the diapers, but that my baby just really likes spicy food.
Coming up tomorrow morning, Brandy Henderson from the Friends Fur Life Pet Sanctuary joins me. Also, I'll tell you about the open house at the Endsley Funeral Home in Bartonville, Illinois, complete with an Elvis impersonator. Yeah, wait 'til you hear this one.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Is That A Sausage In Your Diaper?
Today's trivia question: On the average, women do this twice as much as men (Hint: It's a bodily function).
Answer: Blink
Some poor planning on my part: This Friday evening is our Pet-O-Ween at Safford Dodge. We're inviting all of you to get creative, dress your pet up in the best costume you can come up with and come and join me for a special LIVE broadcast from 6 to 8 P.M. There'll be prizes! You can get your picture taken with your pet for a small donation, which goes to the Fredericksburg SPCA (We'll be posting some of those pictures right here on our web site), and as always, I'm sure we'll have a lot of fun. I know I've been telling you Watson the Wonder Dog would be there and he will. However, he might not be in a partying mood. I completely forgot that he's going in to get neutered the day before. Nevertheless, he will be there.
I've owned dogs all my life and have always had them all neutered. It's called Bob Barker Syndrome. I always wondered what the dog actually thinks about the whole thing. Think about it. He goes for a ride in the car, arrives in some bizarre-looking place. Some guy in a white jacket is there. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the dog falls asleep. He wakes up in what probably seems to him to be only moments later and his chuckers are gone!!! And he's high as a kite. I'll tell you one thing, I bet I have a hard time getting Watson to go for a ride in the car after Thursday.
Happy Birthday today to Brad Paisley. He's 36 today. Charlie Daniels is 72 today.
For you John McCain supporters, don't despair. Eight years ago tomorrow (October 29,2000), Al Gore claimed George W. Bush was "dead in the water" in the presedential polls. Then again, Al Gore also claimed he invented the internet and inspired the novel and movie Love Story.
Speaking of movies, we'll do our quote quiz tomorrow. Tomorrow's quote will be a movie quote. You have 3 ways to win. Give me the name of the movie it comes from, or the character in the movie who said it, or the actor who portrayed the character. Get it right and you'll win a gift certificate for a free facial worth up to $100 from Allure MedSpa.
Good & Bad Economic News:
Good News.......Gas prices are now 23 cents per gallon cheaper than they were a year ago at this time. Bad News........Most people are using that gas to drive to and from the unemployment office.
Finally, in medical news, good news for smokers. Scientists say they have a vaccine for smokers that protests them from lung disease. Smokers could continue to smoke and not get sick. This is great news for people who like coughing, wheezing, choking, gagging and spitting.
Join me tomorrow and I'll tell you about the woman who was arrested when she was caught smuggling chorizo sausage from Hildalgo, Mexico into Texas in diapers. Yes, it's true and I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
Answer: Blink
Some poor planning on my part: This Friday evening is our Pet-O-Ween at Safford Dodge. We're inviting all of you to get creative, dress your pet up in the best costume you can come up with and come and join me for a special LIVE broadcast from 6 to 8 P.M. There'll be prizes! You can get your picture taken with your pet for a small donation, which goes to the Fredericksburg SPCA (We'll be posting some of those pictures right here on our web site), and as always, I'm sure we'll have a lot of fun. I know I've been telling you Watson the Wonder Dog would be there and he will. However, he might not be in a partying mood. I completely forgot that he's going in to get neutered the day before. Nevertheless, he will be there.
I've owned dogs all my life and have always had them all neutered. It's called Bob Barker Syndrome. I always wondered what the dog actually thinks about the whole thing. Think about it. He goes for a ride in the car, arrives in some bizarre-looking place. Some guy in a white jacket is there. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the dog falls asleep. He wakes up in what probably seems to him to be only moments later and his chuckers are gone!!! And he's high as a kite. I'll tell you one thing, I bet I have a hard time getting Watson to go for a ride in the car after Thursday.
Happy Birthday today to Brad Paisley. He's 36 today. Charlie Daniels is 72 today.
For you John McCain supporters, don't despair. Eight years ago tomorrow (October 29,2000), Al Gore claimed George W. Bush was "dead in the water" in the presedential polls. Then again, Al Gore also claimed he invented the internet and inspired the novel and movie Love Story.
Speaking of movies, we'll do our quote quiz tomorrow. Tomorrow's quote will be a movie quote. You have 3 ways to win. Give me the name of the movie it comes from, or the character in the movie who said it, or the actor who portrayed the character. Get it right and you'll win a gift certificate for a free facial worth up to $100 from Allure MedSpa.
Good & Bad Economic News:
Good News.......Gas prices are now 23 cents per gallon cheaper than they were a year ago at this time. Bad News........Most people are using that gas to drive to and from the unemployment office.
Finally, in medical news, good news for smokers. Scientists say they have a vaccine for smokers that protests them from lung disease. Smokers could continue to smoke and not get sick. This is great news for people who like coughing, wheezing, choking, gagging and spitting.
Join me tomorrow and I'll tell you about the woman who was arrested when she was caught smuggling chorizo sausage from Hildalgo, Mexico into Texas in diapers. Yes, it's true and I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
Monday, October 27, 2008
How To Lower Your Blood Pressure
The answer to this morning's Quote Quiz: The great Charlton Heston said, "Political correctness is tyranny with manners".
Tomorrow's quiz comes in the form of a trivia question and it's about a bodily function.
Speaking of which, I've received a lot of e-mails regarding the results of the study we talked about this morning about passing gas. I know a lot of you think I make these things up, but I don't. There really was a study done which determined that passing gas helps to lower and regulate your blood pressure. Many of you asked me WHO conducted this study. Honestly,I don't know because the report didn't make that clear. WHO conducted the study?? I don't know. My guess is Taco Bell. Anyway, the good news is passing gas could lower your blood pressure. The bad news is it could end up raising the blood pressure of anyone who has to live with you.
Speaking of high blood pressure, Manuel Uribe (pictured above), the world's fattest man according to the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records got married yesterday. He's been on a diet and lost 570 pounds. He's now down to a very slim 790 pounds. He hasn't been out of his bed in 6 years. He (still in bed) had to be brought to the church on a flat-bed truck. He had to be carried to the alter by crane (I suspect he also needed the crane for his honeymoon). Uribe hails from Mexico and at the reception, they whacked a pinata and canned hams fell out.
Alright, alright.....I made that last part up. But, hey, congratulations to The Uribes.
Join me tomorrow morning. We'll talk about Ralph Nader, who set a world's record himself on Saturday for delivering the most campaign speeches in one day........just when you thought this campaign couldn't possible get more agonizing than it already is.
Watson the Wonder Dog gets neutered in 2 days.
Don't forget our "Pet-O-Ween" at Safford Dodge this Friday evening from 6 to 8.
...and this just in: ACORN has just registered another 2,000 voters....all under the name Steve Urkel.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Butt-Sniffing Dogs, Mayberry Gone Wild & Cindy McCain's House
Congratulations to our Dumb Criminal Award winner for today. She's 18-year old Lindsey Evans, Miss Teen Louisiana. What a dope!! With only a few days to go until her reign as Miss Teen Louisiana would have been over, she, along with 3 friends, decided to skip out on a $46 check at a restaurant. The BIG mistake is she left her purse behind. In her purse: her driver's license and 2 grams of marijuana. She was booked on theft, drug and drug paraphernalia charges. In addition, the pageant sponsor ordered her to hand over the sash and crown to the runner-up. A pageant spokesperson said Evans will not have to return the cash and prizes she won as Miss Teen Louisiana, adding, "She did a great job this year". A GREAT JOB!!??????? Oh, yeah......except for that theft and drug bust thing.......but other than that, she was stellar.Hope you enjoyed the big Friday morning broadcast.
Happy Birthday today to former Rolling Stones bassist Bill Wyman. He's 72. The Rolling Stones, of course, the OLDEST rock group in the universe. They've reached a point where they might want to think about changing their name from The Rolling Stones to The Kidney Stones.
Some things you might have missed today:
The answer to our Quote Quiz was Alan Alda, who said, "It's too bad I'm not as wonderful as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that".
Yes, they ARE training dogs at Cambridge University's Department of Clinical Veterinary Medicine to detect prostate cancer in men. Dr, Barbara Somerville says, "If there is a consistent change in odor, the dogs will be able to detect it. Our research shows that dogs have such an acute sense of smell, they're very reliable when it comes to checking men's prostates".
I think I'll pass on this, thank you. I don't even like when the doctor does it!!! Let alone some pitbull sticking his head up there!!!
I read the whole report from the university. It didn't mention whether the dogs wear like a rubber glove over their head or not. Wouldn't you think they kind of have to for sanitation purposes?!
Cindy McCain's childhood home will be auctioned next week. The mansion has 13 bedrooms and 12 bathrooms. That might seem like a lot of bathrooms, but remember, her family was in the beer business. When you're in the beer business, you need a lot of bathrooms. I know I do when I DRINK beer. I'd probably be better off drinking it IN the bathroom. Better yet, I can save a lot of time by just pouring it directly into the toilet. Cut out the middleman.
Finally, I don't know what's happened in Mayberry. The Andy Griffith Show is one of my all-time favorite TV shows. In fact, I still watch it EVERY night on TV Land. That's the truth. The popularity of the show and the reason it continues to do well in the ratings in reruns after all these years, is because it brings us back to a more innocent time in this country, before the insanity began. Now, Ron Howard (Opie) has produced a video featuring himself and Andy Griffith (who is now about 150 years old) as Sheriff Taylor, endorsing Borat (Barack) Obama, an over-the-top liberal, for president. It doesn't surprise me that Howard would do this, but Andy Griffith??? The only think I can come up with is that he is now so senile, he doesn't know where's he's at or what he's doing. Check out the video on FunnyOrDie.com. Then join me Monday morning and we'll talk about it.
Have a great weekend.
Watson The Wonder Dog gets neutered in 5 days.
...and this just: ACORN has just registered another 4,000 voters...all under the name Pee Wee Herman.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
If It Doesn't Fit, You Must Acquit
Join me tomorrow morning for coffee. I'll tell you about the 22-year old man in the DC neighborhood of Columbia Heights who stole several hundred dollars during an armed robbery. Unfortunately for him, during the robbery, one of his thumbs was chopped off by one of the victims (using the robber's own machete). About 2 hours later, DC Police were alerted that a 9-fingered man showed up at the hospital. The police themselves brought the severed thumb to the hospital. Doctors said it fit like a puzzle piece. I'm curious as to how he escaped from the scene of the crime. We know he couldn't have hitchhiked.I'll also tell you how dogs are now being trained to check men for prostate cancer. NO, I swear to you, I'm not making this up and it conjures up quite a visual, doesn't it?
If you missed this morning, you missed our Quote Quiz. Who said,
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it".
It was comedian/actor Bill Cosby.
We'll play again tomorrow.
Also, this morning, I told you how to tell if you're dead. Well, Britain's Academy of Medical Royal Colleges issued tips for their doctors to tell when a patient is dead because apparently there have been cases during which doctors THOUGHT their patient was dead, but was actually in hypothermia or a drug-induced coma. So, here's what they came up with. This is Britain's Academy of Medical Royal College's definition of death: The irreversible loss of the capacity for consciousness with irreversible loss of the capacity to breathe. If a patient has those 2 things, he's either dead OR listening to Barry manilow on his iPod.
On the Watson the Wonder Dog neutering countdown, 6 days to go. I suspect after that, his bark will have a higher pitch to it.
Sarah Palin comes to Fredericksburg on Monday. You betcha!!!!!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
War, Deodorant & a Dead Goldfish
OK, if you missed the answer to our Quote Quiz this morning, it was Martin Luther King Jr who said,
"Ordinarily, a person leaving a courtroom with a conviction behind him, would wear a somber face. But I left with a smile. I knew that I was a convicted criminal, but I was proud of my crime".
I hope you caught our report this morning on the future of war. Yeah, a glimpse into what a future war might look like. Well, it's always going to be around. Let's face it, whoever thinks someday they'll be no war, probably also believes in Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and that O.J. didn't do it. The good news is that future wars, because of the weapons that will be used, may be conducted with minimum, bloodshed. In fact, almost no deaths. These war weapons of the future include laser rifles that will cause temporary blindness, ultrasound that will cause dizziness and sedative guns to make you groggy. So, those are the possibilities. Blindness, dizziness or grogginess. OR...you can just put on a Barry Manilow CD and pretty much produce all three.
Join me tomorrow morning. Our dumb criminal tomorrow is David Mlynick of Dania Beach. This dope found himself in jail on $50,000.00 bond for stealing a $4.00 can of deodorant. TAG Body Spray to be exact. It's supposed to attract women, but in his case, it attracted the police, who said that at the time of the arrest, Mlynick smelled "daisy fresh". Now he's in jail among the general population where he will discover the downside of smelling daisy fresh.
Also tomorrow, I'll tell you about Princess Nudelman of Chicago who recieved a voter registration form in the mail. The problem is Princess Nudelman is a dead goldfish. No, I'm not making this up.
Happy Birthday tomorrow to my boy, Dwight Yokum. He's 52.
For those of you keeping count: 7 days to the neuturing of Watson The Wonder Dog.
.....and this just in. ACORN has just registered another 2,000 voters...all under name Boxcar Willie.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Dumb Criminals & Jelly Beans
First of all, if you missed the answer to today's Quote Quiz, it was the man who spends much of his time wasted in Margaritaville, Jimmy Buffet, who said, "Is it ignorance or apathy? Hey, I don't know and I don't care".
Another Quote Quiz coming up on tomorrow morning's show with another chance to win a $25.00 gift certificate for Miller Farms Market.
Some other things we talked about this morning:
The guy who shot himself in the foot practicing a quick draw with a loaded handgun. This happend in Barre, Vermont. Why is this guy practicing a quick draw? What is this? The Old West?? Sounds like this guy suffers from Barney Fife Syndrome.
Fitness expert Richard Simmons says he's writing a book about his life. Simmons is 60 and never married. I'm beginning to worry he'll never find the right woman to settle down with.
Coming up on tomorrow morning's show:
If you're a McCain supporter, hang in there. He's doing very well in the Jelly bean poll. Yes, there is such a poll. Currently, McCain is 10 points ahead and this poll has never been wrong in prediciting the winner of a presidential election. I'll tell you about it on tomorrow's show.
Also, our dumb criminal award tomorrow goes to the 32-year old man in Manatee County, Florida who tried to steal several bags of frozen shrimp from a supermarket by stuffing them in his pants. Yeah, I know....there's a joke in there somewhere about the guy having a shrimp in his pants, but moving on............................I'll give you the details tomorrow.
Don't forget to start making your plans to join us on Halloween night at Safford Dodge for our Pet-A-Ween. We're inviting you to put your pet in it's best Halloween costume and come on out. I'll be out there broadcasting live from 6 to 8 P.M. We'll have prizes, a professional photographer will be there to take pictures of you and your pet (we'll be posting some of those pictures on our web site) and all in all, a lot of fun so makes plans to be there. By the way, a special guest appearance by Watson The Wonder Dog!!!!!!! Orginally, he was going to go dressed as a police dog, but I'm working a new idea. My wife, Rae and I are going to put him in a pair of jeans and purposely have them riding kind of low so his butt-crack shows. Then we're going to give him a plunger and have him go as Joe The Plumber.
Talk to you tomorrrow.
By the way, this just in: Acorn has just registered another 4,000 voters.....all under the name Hanna Montana
Another Quote Quiz coming up on tomorrow morning's show with another chance to win a $25.00 gift certificate for Miller Farms Market.
Some other things we talked about this morning:
The guy who shot himself in the foot practicing a quick draw with a loaded handgun. This happend in Barre, Vermont. Why is this guy practicing a quick draw? What is this? The Old West?? Sounds like this guy suffers from Barney Fife Syndrome.
Fitness expert Richard Simmons says he's writing a book about his life. Simmons is 60 and never married. I'm beginning to worry he'll never find the right woman to settle down with.
Coming up on tomorrow morning's show:
If you're a McCain supporter, hang in there. He's doing very well in the Jelly bean poll. Yes, there is such a poll. Currently, McCain is 10 points ahead and this poll has never been wrong in prediciting the winner of a presidential election. I'll tell you about it on tomorrow's show.
Also, our dumb criminal award tomorrow goes to the 32-year old man in Manatee County, Florida who tried to steal several bags of frozen shrimp from a supermarket by stuffing them in his pants. Yeah, I know....there's a joke in there somewhere about the guy having a shrimp in his pants, but moving on............................I'll give you the details tomorrow.
Don't forget to start making your plans to join us on Halloween night at Safford Dodge for our Pet-A-Ween. We're inviting you to put your pet in it's best Halloween costume and come on out. I'll be out there broadcasting live from 6 to 8 P.M. We'll have prizes, a professional photographer will be there to take pictures of you and your pet (we'll be posting some of those pictures on our web site) and all in all, a lot of fun so makes plans to be there. By the way, a special guest appearance by Watson The Wonder Dog!!!!!!! Orginally, he was going to go dressed as a police dog, but I'm working a new idea. My wife, Rae and I are going to put him in a pair of jeans and purposely have them riding kind of low so his butt-crack shows. Then we're going to give him a plunger and have him go as Joe The Plumber.
Talk to you tomorrrow.
By the way, this just in: Acorn has just registered another 4,000 voters.....all under the name Hanna Montana
Sunday, October 19, 2008
My Very First Blog!
Well here it is... my very first blog. Be sure to bookmark this page and check back often. This is the place to go to see what's going on with the More in the Morning show! We just got the new site up and going, so give me a day or so to figure out how this thing works... Braden tells me it shouldn't be too hard. I'll talk to you in the morning!
posted by Denny # 7:05 PM
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