Tuesday, November 25, 2008
My Plan to Get Osama bin Laden
Be sure to check out the pictures of our Thunder Big 4 Turkey Shoot held last Thursday at Liberty Center. Just click on the Thunder Shots link on our homepage.
Speaking of pictures, if you attended our Pet-o-Wee at Safford Dodge and had your picture taken, you should have gotten that picture in the mail by now. If you didn't, drop me an e-mail and I'll look into it for you. The e-mail address is dennymore@thunder1045.com
Happy Birthday today to actress Christina Applegate. She's 37. Actor John Larroquette is 61. Ben Stein, 64, and Ricardo Montalban (he's still alive???) is 88 today, and at the age of 88, he now has skin like fine Corinthian leather.
President-Elect Obama gave a speech on the economy yesterday and said it "is likely to get worse before it gets better". He looked like he was thinking, "If Senator McCain would still like the job, he's welcome to call me." I think he's in over his head. I hope I'm wrong. By the way, when is Obama going to start getting some TV exposure. The mainstream media's completely ignoring this guy.
A lot of you called in this morning about Linda Hogan (Hulk's estranged wife). Shame on all of you! Not one of you who called took pity on this poor woman who claims she can't seem to make ends meet on a mere $40,000.00 a month. You should all have a little more compassion as we enter this holiday season. I mean, come on, what kind of Christmas is she going to have when she's only pulling in $40,000.00 a month?
Finally, Osama bin Laden's former driver, Salim Hamdan, who recently stood trial for terrorism, conspiracy to commit terrorism and failure to signal before turning (I made that last one up) is being transferred from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, back to his country of Yemen.
So, here's what we do: We implant this guy with a tracking device. Then we give him a car. When he drives over to bin Laden's cave to pick him up, we nail bin Laden. You see how the simplest plans are always overlooked?
See you tomorrow.
This just in: President-Elect Obama has just parted the Potomac!!
Monday, November 24, 2008
How was I to know it was Ed McMahon?
When I heard this story, I thought wouldn't it have been awful if he mistakenly thought the police were at the door, but it was actually the PUBLISHER'S CLEARING HOUSE?
Many of you called in this morning to chime in on the Canadian Supreme court passing the "one-person, one-fare" law, which states that obese airline passengers ARE entitled to two seats for the price of one. The general consensus among you guys was if you're taking up more than one seat, you pay for both. Currently in this country, Southwest Airlines charges obese passengers for 2 fares.
On this date in 1914, baseball great Joe Dimaggio was born. People say his baseball career was the highlight of his life, but I want to remind you, he married Marilyn Monroe. That being the case, it's hard to believe the highlight of his life had anything to do with hitting a baseball.
Also on this date (I was a very, very young boy, but I remember this), Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald. He did this on live TV and it was witnessed by millions of people. In fact, here's a photograph of him doing it.
The answer to our movie quiz this morning was "The Wizard of Oz".
Entertainment News: Wrestler Hulk Hogan's estranged wife, Linda, is asking a Florida judge to unfreeze part of their assets while they finalize their divorce, because she can't seem to make ends meet on the temporary alimony of $40,000 a month. WHAT????? I could live a year on $40,000. Just kidding (don't want to give the boss any ideas). HEY, LINDA, GO OUT AND GET A JOB AT WAWA AND GET A GRIP ON REALTY, WILL YA?!
Finally, a pole dancing studio in Salt Lake City, Utah, has become part of a worldwide movement to get pole dancing considered as an Olympic sport for the 2012 Games In London. Lorinda Coombs, co-owner of the Studio Soiree Pole Dancing Studio says pole dancing takes "grace, fluidity and strength". She adds, "We want to see it become an Olympic event". I have a feeling if this happens, we just might see the return of Tonya Harding.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Does that Mean I Get 2 In-Flight Meals?
My thanks to Debra Joseph, Director of the Fredericksburg Area SPCA for joining me on the big broadcast this morning for the Denny's Furry friends segment. I am happy to say she will be joining me every Friday morning at approximately 8:35 from here on in. Remember to check out our homeless animal of the week, Pat the Cat. For more information, click on the Denny's Furry Friends link.
Former call girl, Asley Dupree has agreed to sit down (Sit Down?? That's a switch for her, isn't it??) with Diane Sawyer tonight on ABC's 20/20. I will be watching.
OK, here we go. You might remember about a year or so ago, Southwest Airlines came under fire when they starting charging passengers who were too obese to fit in to one seat, double the fare. Well, yesterday, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that obese people have the right to 2 airline seats for the prices of one.
As usual, I have a few questions. Does this work both ways? In other words, suppose you have 2 extremely skinny people who can both fit into the same seat? Does that mean they both get to fly for half-price? Better yet, if Matt Roloff (the dwarf) flys, he could probably fit into the overhead compartment. Could he fly for free? I think I have too much time on my hands to ponder things like this. What do you think?
Join me Monday morning when it will be Pete Best's birthday. He'll be 67. For those of you who might not know, Pete was the original drummer for The Beatles who left the group just before they hit it big in 1967. The good news: After years of working as a civil servant, Best finally made millions when the Beatles "Anthology" albums were released in 1995. Not only that, but now, he finally has groupies. Unfortunately, at this point they're all 60 years old.
Have a great weekend!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Great American Smokeout
Happy Birthday today to comedian Joe Biden. He's 66 today. Dick Smothers (I always thought that would've made a great name for a porno actor) is 70 today. Norman Greenbaum ("Spirit In The Sky") is 66, and the world's sexiest Republican, Bo Derek is 52. Bo was a "10" back in 1979. Today, at the age of 52, she is still a "9". Following the pattern, when she's 150 years old, she'll still be a "7".
The answer to our movie quiz this morning was "Mars Attacks". We'll do another movie quiz tomorrow. Be sharp. The audio clip tomorrow is made up of just 2 words.
FOOD RECALL - Approximately 880-thousand pounds of Lean Cuisine chicken meals have been recalled after a consumer found small shards of plastic in them. If you've ever eaten a Lean Cuisine meal, then you know that the plastic was probably the tastiest part. For more information, call the USDA Meat & Poultry Hot line Monday through Friday between 10 A.M. to 4 P.M.
Joining me tomorrow, Debra Joseph, Director of the Fredericksburg Area SPCA, for the the Denny's Furry Friends segment. Talk to you then.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
In Court, He Won't have a Leg to Stand On
First, there was the case of Eileen Wilber in Attleboro, Massachusetts. She's 73 years old and blind. Her daughter comes over the house every day to check her mother's mail and so on. They were both shocked a few days ago when Eileen received a letter from the local water company explaining that they were going to put a lien on her house if she didn't pay her overdue water bill. The overdue amount: one cent. Yes, one penny!
Several people have come forward to pay the one-cent balance for Eileen. One resident wrote out a check for one cent and sent it in to the water company, and the local maintenance guy at city hall donated several pennies he found while sweeping up. The point of me passing the story on to you is to illustrate the stupidity of it all. Here's a local utility company spending 42 cents to mail a letter to a 73 year old blind woman to tell her that she owes them one penny. Doesn't make any sense to me.
By the way, how much water do you actually get for a penny? A squirt?
The other story this morning that got a reaction was the story of this handsome fellow.
His name is Christopher Warren Reed. He's 45 years old, a paraplegic who uses a wheelchair and he held up a credit union Tuesday in Brevard County, Florida. He wheeled himself into the Space Coast Credit Union at around 4 P.M. and told the teller he was armed with an explosive device and demanded cash. He then wheeled himself out with an undisclosed amount of money, which he hid INSIDE HIS PROSTHETIC LEG. The problem is that it's difficult to make a speedy getaway in a wheelchair and police caught him about a block from the credit union. He was arrested and charged with robbery, grand theft, threatening to use a hoax explosive device and aggravated assault.
I just don't think he thought this through very thoroughly. My advice to him, if he's ever going to try this again, is to next time, rob a bank that's located at the top of a hill. Only rob banks located at the tops on hills. It will help make for a quicker getaway.
On the plus side, it's nice to see that he's not letting his handicap stop him from doing things.
The answer to our movie quiz this morning: Little Shop of Horrors. We'll do another one tomorrow and again, if you know the answer, you will win a free oil change, tire rotation and brake inspection from Bako's Automotive.
I'm happy to announce that starting this Friday, the Denny's Furry Friends segment returns. Joining me for this segment from now on will be Debra Joseph, Director of the Fredericksburg Area SPCA.
Tomorrow is the Great American Smokeout, which means there will be a lot of irritable people walking around. They say that smoking shortens your life by 7 years. So, if you keep smoking, that's 7 years of crime, high prices, terrorism, pollution, disease and Barry Manilow you'll be missing out on.
Tomorrow night, don't forget our BIG 4 Turkey Shoot at Liberty Lanes. See yesterday's entry for details.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Bowling For Turkeys & a Thanksgiving Day Turkey Alternative
Speaking of the holidays, this just in, just in time for holiday gift-giving. Tony Sirico, who played twitchy, violent mob guy Paulie Walnuts on "The Sopranos", is now marketing his own cologne. It's called Paolo Per Uomo or "Paul For Men" and sells for $64 per bottle.
The New York Post was not impressed. In their review of it, they said (remember, these are the words of the New York Post, not mine), "It makes you smell like every lasagna-loving, spaghetti-slurping mob-boss wannabe. At first whiff, you feel like you're sipping wine with Tony at the Bada Bing Club. But after awhile, you sense notes of cigar ash, and polyester jumpsuits with hints of stripper sweat and cannoli."Here's my suggestion: drink wine, eat lasagna, smoke a cigar and hug a stripper. You'll save $64. You'll smell the same and have a lot more fun getting there.
Speaking of food and the holidays, The Baltimore Examiner reports that their local chef Aharon Denrich has invented a Thanksgiving Day dinner alternative for people who don't like turkey. Are you ready for this? It's andouille sausage wrapped in a seasoned pork tenderloin. The tenderloin is then wrapped in applewood smoked bacon. That whole thing is then wrapped with a bone-in pork loin and then finally, it's all wrapped in maple bacon. When in Baltimore, if you'd like to order this meal, it's called the "Whole Hog.
In Hollywood, it's known as the "Kirstie Alley"Michael Moore ordered one stuffed inside a cow.
By the way, if you and your family will be having this for Thanksgiving this year. Before the meal, give thanks to God for the defibrillator.
Tomorrow morning, we'll play our movie quiz and give you a chance to win a free oil change, tire rotation and brake check from Bako's Automotive. Also, I'll tell you about the meeting earlier this week between Barack Obama and John McCain. Terrific, a senile hot-head and an unqualified socialist coming together to solve our problems. We're doomed. I'll also tell you about the prisoner in Germany who escaped from jail by Fed-EXing himself out. It's true. Unfortunately and ironically, they won't be able to deliver the box he sealed himself into to his home because HE is not there to sign for it.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Stay Married and Live Longer & No Trudeau
In fact, would you buy ANYTHING from this guy?? Well, a lot of people have. I almost did. He is one of TVs favorite hucksters and a master snake oil salesman, Kevin Trudeau. I get a kick out of watching his infomercials because they're so campy, so corny and so insulting to one's intelligence, that they're hysterical. If you're like me and enjoy his pitches, I have some bad news for you. You won't be seeing Mr. Trudeau for the next 3 years. He has been banned from being involved in infomercials until the year 2011. He's also been ordered to pay more than five million dollars for making false claims. The judge who sentenced him cited his "history of deception" and his "willful efforts to deceive consumers". You mean coral calcium doesn't really cure cancer?????????? Get outta town!
If you're divorced, you might want to think about getting married again. Rostock University in Germany discovered that divorce can shorten your life by as much as smoking or being homeless can. The study found that, on the average, divorced people have a lifespan 9 years shorter than married people. The profile of the person who lives the longest: married, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and has 2 kids. The way I see it, if you're married, have 2 kids, don't smoke and don't drink, your life will just SEEM longer.
Happy Birthday today to Daisy Fuentes. She is 42. Howard "The Madman" Dean is 60 today. Tom Seaver is 64. Lorne Michaels, 64. Lauren Hutton, 65. Martin Scorsese is 66 and Gordon Lightfoot is 70 today. Also, sharing a birthday today.......Danny DeVito, 64 and RuPaul, 48, two men who were both destined to wear high heels.
That's it for today. I'm very tired. Rae and I are applying for a mortgage and I think an ear transplant without anesthesia would be less painful.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Lost On Mars & Happy Birthday, Prince
In science news this morning, NASA announced it has lost contact with the Phoenix Mars Lander and doesn't know where it's at. I'm not a NASA guy, but I can take a crazy stab at it.........hmmmmmm......how about........MARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, how many billions of dollars did this thing cost American taxpayers.....this thing that we "lost"'Happy Birthday today to Prince Charles. He is 60 today. If you're thinking of buying him a gift, he's not an easy person to buy for. He already spends $9,000 a month on his cars, $19,000 on hobbies, $18,000 on his home and $9,000 on gifts for other people.............................oh, and $20,000 on Q-Tips.
On Monday's show, I'll tell you how to go about applying for a job in the Obama administration. It turns out you have to fill out an incredibly long, incredibly invasive questionnaire. By the time you get done filling it out, the Obama Administration will be over.
Contrary to rumors, former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin WILL NOT be making a guest appearance on "Desperate Housewives". Apparently it was talked about, but ultimately, producers decided against.It would probably also be a good idea to keep her off The Bullwinkle Show as well.
I'll also tell you about the White Castle hamburger chain's recipe for how to stuff your Thanksgiving turkey with hamburgers(true). This is perfect, of course, for people who are concerned that maybe a regular Thanksgiving dinner just isn't going to make their butt wide enough.
That's it. Have a great weekend!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The Big House Just Ain't Big Enough
LaPointe was sentenced to 5 years in jail, but has been released after serving only 24 months. He weighs 450 pounds (if he's been in jail for 2 years, how is it he weighs 450 pounds? He was probably the only prisoner EVER to ask for seconds from the prison cafeteria). He was too big for his cell. He couldn't fit in the chair in his cell and when he laid down on his bed, his body hung over 6 inches on both sides. So what? The guy's is prison. Hey, here's a crazy idea: If everyone is so concerned with his comfort, instead of releasing him, how about putting him on a diet and making him exercise until he gets down to a somewhat normal weight for a human.........or would that be considered cruel and unusual punishment?The guards also wanted this guy out because every time he had to be body searched, it took 3 days.
My Cousin Vinny was the answer to this morning's movie quiz. We'll do it again tomorrow.
Happy Birthday today to comedian Jimmy Kimmel. He's 41. Garry Marshall is 74 today, and Whoopi Goldberg is 53 today. Whoopi Goldberg is, of course, not her real name. Her real name is Caryn Johnson, but years ago (this really is true), she was given the nickname "Whoopi Cushion" because of an intestinal problem she has which causes her to often emit gas. This condition also perfectly qualifies her to host The View.
Tomorrow morning, I'll tell you about the guy in North Platte, Nebraska who beat up his live-in girlfriend because she made him macaroni for dinner. This is why I try not to leave the house. There are way too many wackos out there. See ya tomorrow.
This just in: President-Elect Barack Obama had a near accident earlier today. He was also hit by a motorboat while he was out walking on water.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Obamanomics, The Annoying David Blaine and Another Clinton
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade
Well, we had plenty of fun with this guy this morning!! Jersey City, New Jersey Councilman Steve Lipsky was relatively unknown up until a couple of days ago. That all changed a few nights ago at the Nightclub 9:30 in D.C. While standing on the balcony of the club watching a Grateful Dead tribute band, Lipsky had to go to the bathroom, but instead of going to the men's room, he decided to just let it flow out on to the crowd below. In case you hadn't guessed, Lipsky had been drinking heavily. He issued a statement calling the incident "DEEPLY HUMILIATING, VERY EMBARRASSING AND TROUBLING". However, he refused to admit that the whole thing actually happened, despite the fact that it was witnessed by almost everyone present, and that he was arrested for assault. He said, "I CAN'T COMMENT ON THAT. I'M GOING TO CONTINUE TO DO ALL THE GOOD THINGS, AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET THIS OVERSHADOW ME." He added that he was going to quit drinking (If I was him, at the very least, I'd quit drinking beer).I've got to laugh at guys like this. He relieves himself on a crowd of people, offers some sort of vague apology and thinks that's the end of it. He's in the right line of work. This guy is DEFINITELY a politician!
My thanks to everybody who showed up today for our big live remote broadcast at North Carolina Furniture Connection in King George. We had a lot of laughs out there.
Join me tomorrow morning. I'll tell you about the armless shoplifter in Munich, Germany who made it out of a store with a 24-inch television. Yes, it's true.
That's it for today. Because of our remote broadcast today, I didn't have my afternoon nap (very important at my age) and I'm feeling a little "loopy", as Jay Roman would say.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Motion Sickness, Booming Gun Sales and a Live Remote Broadcast
"Oh, Pauley. You won't see him no more"
That was our movie clip this morning. Congratulations to our winner, Laura from Stafford, who knew that brief dialogue occurred in the movie, The Godfather.
It was Clemenza who said, "Oh, Pauley. You won't see him no more". It's not exactly grammatically correct, but gangsters aren't exactly known for their eloquence. And Pauley, it seems, had trouble with some piano wires. I HATE when that happens.
Happy Birthday today to actor/comedian Sinbad. He's 52. Russell Johnson, the guy who played "The Professor" on Gilligan's Island is 84 today, and Mackenzie Phillips is 49. Ironically, that's the same number of times she's been in and out of rehab.
What else you missed this morning: The story of the guy in Oklahoma very drunk at a bar. First, he spilled beer on the pool table. The bartender asked him to pay his bar tab of $32.00 and leave. He gave her a credit card, but the card was declined. She called the police on him. The cops arrived and ordered the drunk to pay his tab. He was so smashed, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a bunch of gum wrappers and starting counting them as if they were cash. He then wound up scuffling with the police and finally got himself arrested for disorderly conduct, public drunkenness and assault on a police officer.
I think this is a great publicity story for the bar. Where else can you get THAT drunk for only $32.00 ??!!
In health news this morning, we reported that according to www.Elements4health.com, Pine bark apparently reduces air/motion sickness in passengers by 50%. It's probably true. I fly a lot and I've NEVER seen a beaver throwing up on a plane.
I want to thank everybody who came out to see us this past Saturday at Gander Mountain on Route 3. They were telling me that gun sales are soaring due to fears that President-Elect Obama will crack down on gun ownershipm so a lot of people are running in to buy guns. Well, he did say he would jump start the economy.
I got home today just in time to see President-Elect Obama and his wife Michelle visit the White House for the first time. President Bush was a little confused. He thought they were Tiger Woods and Beyonce.
Speaking of which, we found out today that Michelle Obama's mother will also be moving into the White House to help with the care of the Obama girls. So, the White House will be home to Barack Obama, his wife, Michelle "Obama Mama" Obama and Michelle Obama's mom, Grandmama Obama. It's going to get a little confusing.
Hey, join me tomorrow for our big Veteran's Day live broadcast from North Carolina Furniture Connection in King George. I'll be out there from 12 noon until 3 and I look forward to seeing you out there!!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Dope of the Week & Fun with Duct Tape
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Obamamania & Fish in the Toilet
Join me tomorrow morning and I'll tell you about the gift for the person who has everything, the Fish Tank Toilet by the Runto Sanitary Ware Company. Just when you think you've seen it all.Obamamania continues. Opray Winfrey said of his election victory, "This is the most meaningful thing that has EVER happened." A CNN panelist said, "This will make more difference to America's image in the world than any other event IN HISTORY." (I guess World War II and liberating Europe doesn't come into play) James Bond star Daniel Craig said (get ready for this one), "This is as significant as when man landed on the moon".
What are these people going to say the first time he actually DOES something??!! He's not even in office yet!
Speaking of which, in his victory speech, President-Elect Obama implied he might not be able to keep some of his campaign promises. In this case, that's probably a good thing.
Happy Birthday today to Maria Shriver. She's 53. Singer Glenn Frey is 60 and Sally Field turns 62 today. I hope they don't give her some kind of award for that. I couldn't take another rambling acceptance speech from her.
Best Wishes to Merle Haggard who is recovering from lung surgery.
See Yaaaaaa !
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Hail to the Chief
During his acceptance speech last night, he said his daughters have earned the right to get a new puppy they can bring with them to the White House. My guess is that President Obama will be laying down the "NewYork Post" and "Washington Times" while training that puppy. If you voted for Obama because you wish to see change, remember the old saying, "Be careful what you wish for". At any rate, congratulations to the President-Elect. He did run an good campaign. Let's see what he does.
I have a lot of friends who are professional comedians, some have names you would recognize. I talk to them online almost everyday. Politically, they're all over the place. Some are Democrats. Some are Republicans. Some are conservative. Some are left-wing nuts. The one thing they ALL agree on is that there will be no shortage of comedy material over the next four years, especially with comedian Joe Biden in the White House.
Some interesting little tid-bits of information concerning today's date: Happy Birthday to Tatum O'Neal, 45 years old today. Singer Bryan Adams is 49 and the lovely actress Elke Sommer is 68 (or at least claims to be). On this date, way back in 1492, natives of what is now known as Cuba introduced Christopher Columbus to corn. However, he was very disappointed. He thought they said, "Porn".
Medical news this morning: The University of Colorado conducted a study and determined that women have more bacteria on their hands than men do. They don't know why. But this might explain why Michael Jackson always wears one glove. You know, in case he ever has to hold a girl's hand in public. He does like to practice safe hand-holding.
Also, the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle says that if you walk an additional 3,500 steps per day, you could lose between 5 to 9 pounds per year. So, if you want to lose weight, take a walk, assuming you're not walking to Burger King.
I'm still putting stuff together for tomorrow morning. I can tell you this, the city of Miami, Florida is celebrating the fact that they did not have one single murder the entire month of October. Isn't that the same month O. J. Simpson got convicted and jailed? Hmmmmmm.
Also, I'll be joined by Brandy Henderson from the Friends Fur Life Pet Sanctuary.
Great news concerning the abandoned puppy found in the parking lot of Bloom Sunday night (mentioned in the previous entry). The puppy has been adopted. My thanks to all of you who responded.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Monday, November 3, 2008
News About One Of Cher's Body Parts & PETA Is At It Again
Archives
October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010
